Katie and I are Martha Stewart Incarnate

Caramel apples, what a fun and enjoyable activity! Let's start by boiling the apples for a few seconds to take the wax off.

Hmmm, that's weird. This apple seems to be oozing a some sort of strange red apple pus! And the other apples have become partially cooked! Whoops! I'm sure the rest of this project will turn out just fine.

Well, the sugar for the caramel is taking a LOOOONG time to dissolve. Let's just turn the heat up...OK, just turn it up for a few minutes more...Another few minutes ought to do it.

Hooray! The sugar has dissolved and now we boil until it turns the "medium brown" indicated by the recipe. But it also says it could burn if you leave it in a second too long! Fun! Does that look medium brown to you? Yes? I'm not sure, but I don't want to burn it, so let's take it off the heat.

How perplexing! The caramel isn't sticking to the apple! Let's put the caramel back on the heat to thicken it. Hmmm, does that look thick enough to you? I think it could use a little more heat. (Fingers drumming on the counter.) OK, let's try this again.

Wow! The caramel is really thick and difficult to manage! Let's spin it slowly over the pot until are hands are cramping and it stops dripping. What's that, some got on your hand and it caused a blister? That's great! Only five more apples to go!

The caramel is getting a little hard, let's put it back on the heat so we can work it better. That's strange, the heat is making the caramel too hard and it now won't stick to any of the apples. I guess, we'll just pour it out and eat it separately.

Yum, tear off a piece and try it! Oh, it won't come apart, and pieces of foil are stuck in it. You don't want to eat it because you're afraid it will rip out your fillings? No problem! We still have those delicious apples! They're cool now, so let's coat them in chocolate.

Whoops! Left the chocolate in the microwave too long and it burned through the plastic container and spilled all over the microwave. Luckily we've already coated most of them.

Don't they look delicious? I'll just cut you a slice. Hmmm, I'm having trouble getting through the tough caramel layer. It's as hard as a rock! Delightful! Now that I've managed to hack through the caramel crust, all the coating has broken off of the apples. Great! Just what I wanted to happen! Well, I'm just a little tuckered out, since we've been working on this project for the past three hours. I'm going to bed, feel free to throw these apple bricks in the trash because I don't even want to look at them any more. Here's the super fun recipe if anyone else wants to try this project at home!

This and That

I guess my blog has become about my students. Do I need to apologize? Am I an annoying mommy blogger, but even worse because the children I'm writing about aren't even mine? While I ponder this question, I will leave you with more nuggets of joy. (Oh, and just to be clear, I'm not annoyed about people blogging about their kids. I love children and I intend to bare and blog them someday. I just mean that some people do find it irritating, and that's what I'm referring to.)

* I was proofreading the paper of a girl who can't spell all that well yet. She was discussing Christmas and had tried to write the word "wraps" multiple times. But she misspelled it. What did she spell, you ask? Rapes.

* Boys near my desk are giggling instead of working. I fix them with one of my vast array of disapproving teacher looks (I'm told it's quite scary) and one responds, "Oh sorry, we're just making inside-out jokes."

* A few minutes later the same boys were fighting over a slip of paper I had given them containing list of words for a spelling assignment. They complained to me, and since we learned about King Solomon recently in Primary, I told them to "cut the baby in half." They stared in horror for a moment, and then started making their "inside-out jokes" about this comment for the rest of the period. "Look Mrs. Hodge, we took out its brain. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Probably a bad move on my part.

* Direct quote from an 8th grade boy: "On Man vs. Wild he has to drink his own pee. I have always wondered what it tasted like. When I was little, I was tempted every time I went to the bathroom."

* One of my student's life goal is to be Lady Gaga's hairstylist.

* One day an 8th grade girl wore green vampire teeth to class. These teeth made her speech impossible to understand, yet she kept attempting to ask questions and offering to read sections of the class novel aloud. I told her she was welcome to participate once she de-fanged, but she refused, so every time she raised her hand I pretended like she was invisible. After about 30 minutes, she took them out. Me: 1. 8th Grade Girl: 0

Question and Answer

I asked my sixth graders to respond to the following prompt:

Are TV and movies different from real life? Does TV ever "trick" us or change the way we think about the world?

This earnest little response was my favorite:

I think movies can trick us by telling us who people are when there actually not. For example a movie could show a buch of of teenagers being totally crazy and rude and 15 year old women getting pregnet all the time and alot of other gross stuff. Although most teenagers are actually nice and kind and getting jobs at Mcdonalds. I am going to be a teenager one day and I hope nobody sees me as one of the teenagers on television becase I am not going to be one.

From the Mouths of Babes

* I can't tell you how many times something like this has happened. A history class is held in my room during my prep period. The teacher was trying to get the students to guess the word "polytheism" in reference to ancient Greek religion. They were having a hard time, so she hinted that the word started with "poly." Immediately a hand shot up and a girl shouted, "Polygamists!"

* My students were reading some information about the circus for an assignment. The essay mentioned that certain acts at the circus weren't as common any more due to animal rights. A girl near me exclaimed, "Oh sad!" and then surprised me by finishing her thought with, "Animals shouldn't have rights...except dogs." She then realized what she had said was either funny or profound (I do not hold all of the mysteries to the 6th-grade mind), and she repeated it to everyone sitting around her.

* On Halloween I was reading scary stories to my 8th graders. Many of them wanted to tell their own, and one girl decided to be a total downer by mentioning this horrible story about a little girl getting molested. I tried to move on as soon as I got the gist of what the story was about, but one confused student loudly asked, "What's molested?" All eyes went immediately to shoes or ceiling tiles, and I plunged into another story in hopes of changing the subject.

Not to be deterred, the student persistently asked his question, and I attempted to drown out his loud queries with my story telling. Fellow students told him things like, "Ask your parents," to get him to be quiet, and I finally said, "Look it up," as many students lose their curiosity once they are threatened with actual work.

I thought this would be the end of things, but no, a few minutes later I see the student rifling through a dictionary. He studies if for a few moments before asking, "How do you spell it?" This was just too much for me. I start laughing uncontrollably and told him through giggles to "Sound it out." Finally, one student decided he could take no more of this situation and shouted, with much exasperation, "IT MEANS SEXUALLY ABUSING!" This, mercifully, ended the first student's quest for knowledge, and he did not ask for further clarification.

Iran so far away...

Today in 8th grade grammar there was a sentence about the Middle East. The following conversation ensued:

Student: Wait, what's the deal with Iran and Iraq? What the difference? I don't get it.

Me: I'm a little confused as to what you're asking. Those are just the names of the different countries.

Student: They're two different countries?!

A Tad Bit Unseemly

Considering knitting is normally the hobby of very proper old ladies, I was very surprised to come across this term while researching patterns.

P.S. This is what I'm knitting now. Merry Christmas Lucas!

P.P.S. I wanted to spell the title "unseamly" to make a knitting pun, but then I realized no one would get it. Sigh...

D.A.R.E.

Perhaps you remember my post about the troublesome spelling program at my school. I love the program, but it requires me to break words into syllables, which sometimes forces me to swear in front of a room full of twelve-year-olds (think: association). This year's sixth graders are more quick on the uptake than last years--and just forget about the 8th graders--so needless to say, my classes have been stricken by a pandemic of giggling. Unfortunately, this problem caused today's 6th grade spelling lesson to take and unexpected and unpleasant turn.

Me: The word is method, meth od.

Girl: What's meth?

M: Ummm, it's a very, very, very bad drug.

Boy: What's it do to you?

M: Well...it makes your teeth fall out and it makes you go crazy. It also kills lots of people because it causes fire and explosions when you make it.

Boy: But if it's so bad, why do people make it?

Boy's neighbor: Because they make money for it!

Boy: (Not satisfied with this answer.) But it's so bad!

M: People probably do it because they don't think they will get caught. Have you ever done something bad because you didn't think you'd get in trouble for it?

Boy: (Face screwed up in concentration) I guess...

Different Girl: I heard it's made out of cleaning supplies.

M: Yes, I think so. It's also made out of cough syrup and other chemicals; that's why it's so bad for you. It's poison.

Different Boy: Yuck! I bet it tastes disgusting! Why would you ever eat it?

M: I don't think you actually eat it.

*A More Different Boy: So what is it? A powder? A pill?

M: (Suddenly alarmed at the last question and the direction of the conversation in general.) I'm not quite sure. (This is a lie. I'm pretty sure it is a powder that is heated and smoked...or injected?...ok maybe I don't know.)

*A More Different Girl: How would she know something like that? I mean, really! How? Seriously guys, can't we just get back to spelling?

M: (Grasping as desperately for this way out as a drowning person would for a life preserver.) I agree! The next word is minerals! Min er als.

* Sorry! I could resist the Homestar quote.